3 Things you need to know about helping the homeless.

I Don’t know where YOU live, but where I LIVE it’s over 100 almost everyday and the dry hot sun beats down on us relentlessly. 

Yesterday as I walked into a local Dollar Tree store a homeless woman meandered my way and let out a loud comment “Ugh, I’m burning up! I’m so hot, I’m burning! “   I suddenly felt really badly for her and acknowledged how hot it has been. She then wandered into the air conditioned store continuing to moan “Ugh, I’m burning up!” She was clearly distraught and I was feeling a lot of compassion, empathy and worry that the store clerks were going to kick her out of the store. 

Then I noticed a worried looking young store clerk who looked like she didn’t know what to do.  A lot went through my head. Does she have store directives NOT to let homeless people into the store?  Was she afraid of the homeless woman? Was she conflicted because of the directive and her own empathy for the woman.  Seriously, it has been 102 degrees for a few days now. And when you’re out there on that black asphalt, no shade, the sun beating down on you.  I’d be burning up too!

I got my item, and I said something humanizing to the clerk.  Something like “I just can’t even imagine what it must be like to be homeless.”  She agreed with me. And I decided that she was more worried about the woman than the situation.  I told her I was going to buy the woman a water and she was OK with that. I know, stores don’t want homeless people wandering around the store just to seek shelter from the elements outside.  I know it can cause all kinds of other problems later. And I didn’t really know if another clerk would have discouraged me from doing so. Anyway, I wanted the clerk to know not to accuse the woman of stealing or anything, that I was going to buy the drink for her. 

When it comes to committing random acts of kindness, as your heart is suddenly moved and the opportunity presents itself…I say DO IT!  Don’t hesitate. Don’t overthink it, your heart feels compelled in that moment-so obey! 

Here are some tough lessons that I learned the hard way.  I didn’t let it stop me but instead I learned from the experiences and was careful to put into practice in future similar situations.

1. One time someone asked for money while I was at a stoplight.  I GAVE them what I had sitting in the center console. A couple of coins.  The person spit at me. I learned, maybe it’s better NOT to give at all unless you have something substantial, like $1.  I mean what I gave them really wasn’t enough to do anything with. 
2. When I was at a Dollar Store with my-then-6 year old son,  I neglected to really notice the homeless person outside the store but my 6 year old didn’t.  While walking through the store he asked if we could buy something for the guy and I said “Absolutely! Pick something out.”  He picked a bag of pretzels. With ME by his side, my son offered the guy the pretzels and the guy turned him down saying he was gluten free!!  I was briefly stunned, grabbed my son, walked away, almost cussed (because I’m from NY and I DO that sometimes!) and I spent a minute feeling sooooo badly for my son, when the lightbulb went on and I told my son about lesson #3   I learned: it’s not about ME, not about my son. It’s about helping and moving on.
3. After a school picnic in the park we had a LOT of food left over and no one really wanted to cart it back.  A homeless person was in the park and if it weren’t for the kids, I would have invited him to join us…but safety first!  I wrapped up a bunch of it and walked it over to him. He suddenly got hoppin’ mad at me. He argued and insulted me and then found a reason to take the food “if it was doing ME a favor” but insisted that he didn’t NEED it…..aaaaaaand it all sunk in.  Seriously, I’m a good listener. I’m a BETTER listener than I am a speaker, especially when it comes to speaking up when I NEED HELP. The lesson I learned that day is my #1 most important lesson and it has stuck with me for decades. Lesson: Turn the tables and let the other person DO YOU a favor.  Just begin with “Can you do me a favor?” More details below….keep reading.

THREE things you need to know to help the homeless:

1. Some of them are mentally ill.  If they WEREN’T when they started, they might be NOW.  (Research the effects of solitary confinement on prison inmates.)  You should learn that external stimuli can CHANGE the brain.  So, don’t talk to or treat or have expectation that you would have of others whose brains are healthier.
2. If you do NOTHING wrong but the homeless person accuses you of doing something wrong….see #1 above and DO NOT take it personally.
3. WHATEVER YOU GIVE make it a favor.  Doesn’t matter how stupid you THINK you sound…please see #1 above.  It may not sound stupid to them. This six-word preamble could make ALL the difference.  

Here are the six words again:  Can you do me a favor?

Here’s what I said to the woman today who was “burning up!” — “Can you do me a favor?  I bought too many waters, could you take one off my hands please?” 

When we have half-days at school, the cafeteria gives EVERY student a bag lunch.  As far as I know–for liability reasons– students need to eat school food ON SCHOOL property. So, I tell my students on THOSE days “If you aren’t going to eat something please do not open it.  I will give it to some homeless people on my way home.” They put it in a box, they feel like they are helping and NOT wasting food, they never see the food again. THEN, on my way home, I find a homeless person and I tell them what a problem I have.  “Can you do me a favor? I teach second grade and the kids didn’t eat this food. Do you know anyone who might want it?” NEVER has this failed me. The person I encounter has ALWAY taken a BOX of PBJ, carrots, salsa, apples and yogurts.  One time a woman hesitated because it was a lot of food. She picked things out for herself before saying…”Well, I might know someone who wants it. Ok, I’ll take the whole box.”

Do you have other ideas that help you to help someone else?  Have you had a bad experience helping someone? Maybe we kind find the lesson in it together.  Do you have good stories about helping someone spur of the moment?