Guilt and shame. Long have I lived buried in guilt and shame. I came from a great family, great stock, great parents. Somewhere along the way I took to feeling insecure, less than, unaccomplished. It’s a mixture of many factors. I own them all. Less than good relationships, over sensitivity, being raised Catholic.
A few years ago, during one of the most enlightening times in my life, I was talking to my mentor. The absolute wisest woman I have ever met. Hands down. I mean, I am taken aback by her astuteness and short sentences that cut right to the chase hitting a nail right on the head. Anyway…I was whining about something. Neah, I was reliving some past pain of guilt or shame when she said, “Ok, but you’ve been healed of that. You CAN leave it in the past.” And I thought, so simple and yet… YES!! I HAVE overcome that. Why keep revisiting it?! Because, I’m USED to feeling less than…and those thoughts keep me there.
In Christianity-and several rock and roll songs-we refer to ourselves as sinners and saints. Sometimes we are playing one roll, some days the other. My mentor talked about how in our faith walk we often spend way more time thinking about and beating ourselves down for this sin life we are living. For the sinners that we are. But our faith CALLS us as SAINTS. As FRIENDS to Jesus. Why don’t we get in the habit of HUMBLY relishing in THIS aspect of our existence?
And then I came upon the writings of Macrina Wiederkehr in A Tree Full of Angels. She has been called at times “refreshingly heretical.” God DOES need to use us after all and if our focus is completely on our sin life to the point that we are crippling ourselves, then we are NOT useful now, are we? Here’s what she says of some of the ‘greats’ such as C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien: “They had had an inkling of their greatness and splendor. Are you not perhaps an anonymous member of the inklings? I am! I have an inkling of my greatness. Of my littleness I have certitude. Yet the more I embrace the little one that I am, the more I have an inkling of some mysterious greatness, something infinite stirring within and yearning to be found. I feel it within me more each day. It is like dynamite waiting to be ignited, like a treasure waiting to be found, like a gift waiting to be given and received.”
And what of the Beatitudes in Matthew 5? How long did I focus on the suffering and littleness when right in front of me all along was an inkling of the GREATNESS that was being offered? I grew up focused on trying to feel blessed because I was poor, mournful, meek, hungry, thirsty. Why? Because, I wrongfully thought God could use me if I was suffering. I did my best to obediently jump through hoops to show others mercy, do good for good reason, make peace…and when I felt persecuted for it…well, that was the blessing. But the scales were removed from my eyes when I focused my heart on the second half of EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. of those verses. The kingdom of Heaven is mine! I will inherit the earth! I will be filled! I will be shown mercy! I will SEE GOD! Whaaat??! I will be called child of God.
Wait. WHAT?! What power! Forget defeat, God WANTS us to embrace this powerful-as-dynamite gift waiting to be given and received. In actuality it is a gift that HAS ALREADY BEEN GIVEN. But it’s still sitting there unwrapped, just waiting to be LIT UP.
